I don’t understand why you do it.

Because it’s there.

It’s always there.

I do it because it’s everywhere.

Because everyone does it.

Because I can

Because I want to

Because

Because

Because.

Because we won.

Because we lost.

I’m celebrating.

I’m commiserating.

I’m joining in

I’m having fun

Because if I don’t I’m boring

Because if I don’t I won’t have anything to say.

Because it relaxes me.

It frees me

To be

Who you want me to be

Who I’m pretending to be

The Life and Soul of the Party.

I do it to fit in

And to stand apart

To go unnoticed

I do it to be seen

And heard.

Here I am.

Look at me

Do you see me?

Please turn away

And don’t look anymore.

I do it because it’s expected

I do it to be polite.

I do it because it’s rude to say no.

I do it because I can’t be bothered to say no

It’s not worth the fight.

Plus I’ve got a taste for it now

I do it

I do it

I do it

And then I do it some more.

One more for the road?

Why not? 

I do it to keep you company.

I do it to keep up.

I do it because I can hold my own

I do it to out-do you

I do it to prove myself stronger, more capable, better than the rest,

Able to handle more than the most hardened

Because I like a challenge

Because I like to compete

I like to win.

But in this, ultimately, I’ve lost.

I’m lost.

I do it to find myself.

I do it to escape.

I do it to get away.

I do it because it’s a rainy day.

I do it to cheer me up.

I do it because I want to scream and shout.

I do it because the sun’s out.

I do it because I’m bored.

I do it because I don’t know what else to do

How else to spend my time.

I do it because I’m awake

I do it because I’m up.

I do it because I’m down, depressed and have had enough.

Because I’m stressed

Because I’m annoyed

Because I’m worn out

And fed up.

I do it to help me sleep.

I do it to unwind

I do it to switch off.

I do it because I’m worried

Because I’m going out of my mind

About my health

My finances…

I do it because the future terrifies me

And the past haunts my every step.

I do it because I lost my job

Because I have a broken heart

Because I hate my job

Because I’m afraid to make a fresh start.

I do it because I failed

Time and time again

I do it because I really, well and truly messed everything up.

I do it because I feel guilty

Because I feel bad

Because I am ashamed of who I am and what I have become

I do it because I’m trying to work out where it all went wrong.

I do it because I don’t want to think or feel anything at all

Because I want to feel comfortably numb

Because I can’t handle my emotions.

These feelings, they freak me out.

I do it because I am in pain.

Because I am in turmoil

Because I am a tortured soul

I do it because I am unhappy

Painfully unhappy

Can’t you see that?

I do it because I am irrevocably, irreparably hurt.

And this is the only thing that takes my suffering away

Yet I know it is also the cause.

I do it because I’m an addict.

I do it because once I pop I can’t stop.

I do it because I can’t help myself

Because I need help, but am afraid to ask.

I do it because I’m frightened

I do it because I don’t want to do it

But I’m too far gone,

Down the well-trodden path

I do it because I don’t know who I am without it

And I’m too scared to find out.

Because it’s all I know now

Because it’s who I have become

Because it’s just me

Because I’m not you

Because I’m not like you

Moderate

Because I’ve got an unquenchable appetite and thirst.

I do it because I’m Hungry

Because I’m Angry,

Because I’m Lonely and

Tired.

HALT.

I do it because I don’t know how to stop.

I do it because I don’t want to stop.

Because I can’t stop.

Because I can’t cope

Or function without it anymore. 

I do it because I need it

And I need it more and more

I’m on auto-pilot

No longer in control

My monster must be fed

I do it because I’m obviously, clearly not right in the head.

I do it because you won’t listen

And you won’t shut up

I do it because you ignore me

And look at me with loathing and disgust

Contempt reflected back to me in your eyes.

I do it because I can’t stand to see your pity

Your condemnation

Your judgement

Your humiliation

Your shame

I do it because you make me feel small

Because I’m not good enough

Not worthy

Unlovable.

I do it because I love you

And hate you all the same

But I hate myself more.

I do it because I’m on my knees, begging, imploring

Please don’t leave me

Oh go on, walk out the door.

I do it because I just want to be left alone

Because I don’t want to have to answer your questions anymore.

Why does there have to be a reason?

When there’s always an excuse.

I do it for no reason at all

Not one you’d understand anyway

Not one I can put into words

I don’t know why I do it

I don’t want to do it

But I do

I do it because I can

I do it because I want to

I do it because it’s there.

It’s always there.

I do it because I can,

Because I want to

So there.

I just do it

Okay?

I do it because…

Oh,

Just because.